Saturday, January 28, 2006

Breakin' Up with the UPS Guy

It sounds like a country song, I know, but after several years of working at a failing relationship, I'm afraid we're going to have to pull the plug on my relationship with the UPS Guy. Here is my sad story of woe...

When I got married, I did what many engaged women do - I registered at Crate and Barrel. For the next several months, I had a torrid affair with my UPS guy. To be sure, it was full of heartbreak and longing. But it started out good, it truly did. A couple of times a week, a reasonably handsome man in tight shorts would come to my door bearing gifts of china, crystal and other lovely items from Crate and Barrel. It was like a dream come true. He never seemed to want anything in return except my signature. Sometimes, he didn't even want that. After a while, I figured out that I could check my registry to see what items had been purchased. This, I believe, was the beginning of the end of our relationship. At this point, I began to have expectations. You ladies out there know how well men to respond to these nasty things. Each day, I began to expect him. But did he come? No. Each and every day, I'd wait at home all day, waiting for him to buzz. Days would go by and I'd get nothing from him, not even a set of salt and pepper shakers. I became concerned. What had I done? Concern turned to anger and then to rage. Finally, he would come, but it wasn't the same anymore. Something was permanently altered.

Today was the final straw. I got home from school and I saw that familar yellow and brown note on our gate that could only mean he had let me down one more time. He knows he can leave packages with my upstairs neighbor if no one is home, but he decided to toy with me today. He decided he needed a signature. Ha! Doesn't he know me by now? In that infuriating way that he has, he offered to redeliver on Monday, AGAIN when I'm in class. That simply wouldn't do. So, I bit the bullet and offered to pick it up from him. I was told I'd have to go to Chula Vista - 30 minutes from my home, but I knew I couldn't wait for him. Haven't I suffered enough?! To make matters worse, I could only pick the package up between 8 and 8:30 p.m....on a Friday night, no less. What, he thinks I have no life?!

Of course, like a lovesick puppy, I went. I arrived 20 minutes early and was told that I couldn't even get in line until exactly 8 o'clock. Finally, the time came and I drove up the long, winding driveway that seemed to go nowhere. After a while, all of the cars in front of me came to a stop. For 10 minutes, we sat there, not moving. I got out of my car to see what was the matter, and I saw it...first the completely filled parking lot and then...the LINE. Holy Crap! There had to be 50 people waiting for packages. Outside. In 40 degree weather. So, I backtracked, parked down the hill, walked back up, and got in line. I waited and waited and waited. First, we passed 8:15, then 8:30, then 8:45, then 9:00. Let me tell you that I hadn't eaten dinner yet because I thought I could grab some Indian food on my way home. At this point, most restaurants, except maybe Wendy's, would be closed. My fingers were turning blue and I had lost feeling in my nose. Every 3 or 4 minutes, someone would get a package and we'd inch forward in the line. Everybody around me had stories about how UPS had screwed up their delivery, requested a signature when they weren't supposed to, did doorbell ditching without even waiting for the person to answer. At this point, the steam that was coming out of my ears couldn't keep me warm. I was on the verge of tears, starving to death and nearly frozen. After all, I hadn't dressed expecting to wait outside in the middle of winter, at night, for over an hour. Finally, at 9:15, I got to the front of the line, gave the woman behind the counter my address and waited some more. They finally brought out my package, and it was a letter. Addressed to someone else. I had already started walking to my car before I realized they had given me someone else's package. Oh, for cryin' out loud! What the f&^k is wrong with these people? After another couple of minutes, I got my package, and it turned out to be from my Secret Pal 7! So, even though I had a horrible night, at least I had knitting stuff to look forward to. Regardless, I think the UPS guy and I are through.

Pictures tomorrow!

3 Comments:

Blogger Disentangled said...

I recently left my UPS man as well. In order to avoid any unexpected encounters, I now schedule all my packages to be delivered to the office. I know I'm avoiding him, but what can I say, he ran away from my front door while we were unlocking it...probably because he hadn't actually brought my package to the door. Man, I wish I had been able to watch that in the hallway.

2:23 AM  
Blogger bitterknitter said...

I feel so lucky to have a great UPS guy. If I just barely miss him, he'll pull the package back out of the truck for me! And if I totally miss him one day, he delivers it later in the day the second time, since I am usually home later in the day!

The FedEx guy on the other hand, don't even get me started on him!

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Cora said...

I feel all the pain. Although for me it isn't cool crate and barrel stuff, it is our two wine clubs. We finally resorted to bribing the FedEx guy to leave the stuff for us without signature. Some silly BS about a signature on alcohol, I mean come on!!! The UPS guy was a total no-go with the bribe, who needs ethics at a time like this?! So zero relationship with UPS from the start, but things are looking up with the FedEx guy. He's better looking anyway.

7:49 PM  

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